The Dude Fights Witch Dragon?

Way back when there was this fella I wanna tell ya about. Went by the name of Master Gregory Lebowski. At least that was what his many dead apprentices learned to call him, but folks like me and you know him as “The Spook”–or sometimes “The Spooky Dude.” Now, “Spook” – there’s a name no man would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about this dude that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Maybe he was some kinda angel or something, ‘cuz some said he came from the city of angels, whatever the hell that means, but whatever the reason, he was tasked with keeping the world clean of demons back in those days–which was a real shame for this dude, seeing as if left to his own devices, he would’ve been one of the laziest peasants in all of unexplained feudaldom. In fact, it’s hard to introduce the Spook without thinking of a pint of beer in his hands, even when in combat. He liked to say that the trick was not in fighting with the beer, but in not spilling it. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But… aw, hell. I’ve done explained it enough.

In a faraway, English-speaking, medieval country, the land is filled with witches and demons. So much that it seems like everyone who isn’t some kind evil, magical, hellspawn is a demon-hunter or spook. And the greatest spook of the day, is this dude named Gregory. And the evillest witch just so happens to be Madam Maude Lebowski (no relation). Now, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but the dude and Maude had quite the romantic flame for a while–until her art projects got a little too ambitious, and she started burning villages and murdering folks to capture the right mood. Now the dude (though drunk) decided to be at least a little bit righteous and locked Maude away.

Determined to never let anyone else make the mistake of falling for an avant garde artist, the dude had decided to train apprentices to rid the world of witches and all their ilk. For almost 10 years, his best apprentice was this bastard he picked up named Jon Snow, who knew so little that–even though he wrote down all of the dude’s advice–manages to get himself totally killed on the day that Maude escapes her prison. Maude is naturally pretty pissed about being imprisoned, but is powerful enough that she no longer needs a harness to fly and so decides to use her newfound powers to rally together all of the other witches and take over the world, as her father had tried to do.

So the dude has to find another apprentice. He goes to the home of a peasant woman (Bruce Willis’ widow), whose own seventh son, Caspian, coincidentally has some kind of sixth sense–like he has visions about undead people. Even though the dude can only promise grave danger and a crappy love-life, Caspian is so valiant that he agrees without question to join the quest.

Meanwhile, Maude returns to her castle and restores the beauty and cleavage of her sister Faora-Ul, who must have gotten injured when General Zod was killed*–(needs citation). And she summons some of the most powerful mystics she knows, like Midnite who summons more creatures from the underworld.

One of her chief lieutenants is Mowgli–who is basically like the Hawaiian-posing-as-Indian-(because-they-look-so-alike) Bjorn–who can turn into Baloo. A bunch of unimportant city guards capture Baloo-Mowgli, and so the dude and Caspian come deal with him. To give him a fair fight, they wait for him to escape his cage before they kill him. But even then, Caspian–valiant as he is–is unwilling to kill any creatures that can think and speak and feel. (‘Twas a very princely decision, if I do say so myself.)

Now, this very much upsets the dude, but it comes as a great delight to the sincerely two-timing, inconsistently conniving, but ultimately cliche, Scandinavian love interest, (whose expressions are so almost lifelike that she has been chosen to play an android in an upcoming adventure). In earlier scenes, said halfwit-half-witch managed to partially seduce Caspian through the methods of being rescued from an uncertain fate, obviously spying, naked-bathing in the red moonlight, and awkward stilted lines about how “if a witch meets under moonlight the man she is to walk hand-in-hand with there will be a blue spark.” Well, after Caspian decides that he can’t do what the dude does, he and said Scandinavian have some off-screen sparking.

After said sparking, Caspian decides he has to do what the dude does, and deserts his despondent dame, who desperately determines a deplorable means of revenge which will also keep her wishy-washy hubby safe from *gasp-over-the-spoiler* her mother and her aunt, Faora and Maude respectively.

Caspian and the dude resume their quest with the help of Mister Hyde from Van Helsing Tusk. On the way, they face a giant beast, and Caspian shows that even though he is young and not very well trained, he probably has more royal blood than Jon Snow and could kick his ass any day. Unfortunately, shortly after that touching victory, everything goes to hell:

The Scandinavian Robot returns to steal the protective amulet and its special stone (with seemingly infinite power) from Caspian; Midnite attacks and captures the dude, and leaves Caspian and Mister Hyde from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen  Tusk to die. But they survive and storm Maude’s mansion anyway.

In the final battle, Scandinavian Robot chooses love over family, safety, and sanity; sister turns against sister; Ron Perlman? Tusk gets in some good punches; and Caspian discovers that when you combine the power of an infinity stone with Gandalf’s staff, you can completely disintegrate anyone you touch!

Once the battle is done, the dude decides that Caspian is now ready to takeover the family business, and he rides off to go drinking, leaving Caspian in the reliable, and very large hands of the Hulk? white Shaquille? that big guy in Sherlock Holmes? Tusk.

the end

Go see Seventh Son, starring Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore, Ben Barnes, Djimon Hounsou, and the under-appreciated John DeSantis.

For more miss-cast movies, check out Batman and Wolverine’s Other Movie.

#funny #JonSnow #jeffbridges #caspian #juliannemoore #movie #seventhson #cast #maude #biglebowski #JohnDeSantis #dude #Tusk

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